The Creep of Fear
Right now there are some scary things going on—and I do not mean just the decorations we see for Halloween!
The Wall street debacle seems to threaten everyone’s financial security.
Results of the upcoming election are uncertain and may result in further loss of freedoms.
We are at war and there are rumors of more wars.
These are all swirling in the back of my head. But the fear which I am writing about today is one which creeps up on us as we strive to home educate our children. It affects our attitudes toward our children. It is a fear of not doing as perfect a job of educating, training and disciplining our children as we think we should.
Do you ever have thoughts like these:
- What is my son going to grow up to be if he can’t even do basic math?
- What is my daughter’s future going to be like if she can’t even spell?
Of course these are hypothetical situations and not to be misconstrued as taken from my life!
But an even more insiduous and damaging thought is being fearful of losing the heart of your children, of what you may be doing to them with your less-than-perfect temperament and less-than-perfect words of correction. OK, now I am speaking of my own life and I write this editorial as I write most of them — to remind myself as well as to hopefully communicate truths to you.
Last summer I received one of the most encouraging letters from a fellow homeschool mom who answered a query I sent her about this very thing. I did not know her, had just heard about her and some of her struggles which seemed to be similar to mine with one child. I found her e-mail address and just sent my heartfelt questions to her about these fears and her way of dealing with her children. Her response to me was so gracious and so uplifting that I wanted to share parts of it with you.
“If you are parenting in fear, you are allowing your fear of your child’s future to govern your attitude, decisions and words with him or her. Fear is the opposite of faith. If we are fearful of how they will turn out, we are not believing God’s Word is true for our children. We will tend to respond with words that wound and project a fearful outcome, rather than words of hope that project the truth about their future — it is in God’s hands and He has great plans for them (regardless of how good of a student, or how diligent they were in their youth). With fear in the forefront, we will speak harshly and ooze disappointment in all our mannerisms. This creates a feeling of hopelessness and despair, as well an open door for the enemy.”
I have read these words over and over. In fact, I printed her letter out and put it in my devotional notebook. When we speak to our children forgetting God’s promises and just focusing on those short term circumstances, we will not be building our children up but rather we will be confirming their fears about themselves and not be giving them the hope that they desperately need that you are on their side. Even though they may need correction and we may be intending to help them, what they will hear is, “I am disappointed in you, I feel you will never change, I am giving up on you.”
The wise woman continued.
“We need to believe that God’s Word is true. God says that your child was created for good works which God prepared in advance for him or her to do. God says that He knows the plans He has for your child, plans to prosper them … for a hope and a future. We can trust the Word of God for our children. If your child is seems sullen towards God, perhaps he or she thinks God is disappointed in him. They need to know that God sees them as they will be in heaven, and isn’t dwelling on failings or mistakes or bad attitudes. God knows how it all turns out and isn’t wringing His hands in worry and disappointment over him today — and neither should we be.”
This is something we can verbalize to our children. This is something we can remind them of as we tuck them in at night. We can whisper to them that God’s plans for their lives are better than they can imagine. That God has a very special work for them to do to build His kingdom here on earth and He will equip them with all they need. That we see specific qualities in them which God can and will use to minister to others, to contribute something of great worth. This is something we can write little encouraging notes about, especially when you neglect to verbalize it.
“We need to help them find the course God has already determined for them, but allow them to freedom to fail. We must not get into fear about their lack of accomplishment or their unholy leanings. We don’t need to fuss and fight over it. Truly, submit everything to prayer and encourage them to do so as well. I have gotten into the habit of asking my son to go and pray about whatever is his latest issue with me. Almost every time he’ll come back a lot less contentious and more submissive to my will (things like a haircut take a lot of prayer time — LOL).”
It is so easy to focus on what your child is doing wrong, rather than see the big picture. It is hard to let go of what you thought your child might be like at this age. Perhaps you compare your child to similarly aged children of friends of yours. Perhaps you in your heart wish your child was more like so and so who seems so respectful, or so talkative or so interested in intellectual and spiritual growth.
“If you have those thoughts, you need to let them go for they will doubtless come across in your attitude toward your child louder than if you had said it aloud to him or her.”
To close, she charged me with the reality of the spiritual battle in play here.
“Lastly, I would really spend some time in warfare over your child and their heart and mind. Repent of your sins, especially any sins of rejection towards them (it’s hard not to fall into that, but we have to repent in order to loose the hold of the enemy over his mind in this area of feeling rejected). You see, the enemy takes advantage of our mistakes, but the precious blood of Jesus washes us instantly clean with genuine repentance. Once you have repented of your sins, stand up and rebuke the enemy from any involvement in their mind, will or emotions. That’s our right as children of God. Quote the SCRIPTURES over them, (they are rescued from the dominion of darkness, they are covered by the blood of the lamb; no weapon formed against them may prosper, etc.) I believe that, because they are your children and live under your roof, the covenant that you have with Christ applies to them as well. There is a lot of Scripture support for that. As well, rebuke the enemy from blinding their eyes to the gospel and pray that they will love the Lord with all their heart soul and mind. We have total authority over the enemy and how he lies to, deceives and hinders our children.”
Whew, these are powerful words. Even though I have read them many times, they still pierce me to the heart. When we parent in fear, we are communicating rejection to our children because they can never measure up to our expectations. Instead we can utilize God’s Word and His truths to break down those strongholds. We can quote the scriptures over our children as they sleep as well as in our own times of prayer. The enemy wants us to feel defeated, as if we had failed. In so doing, we are paralyzed, we are stagnant and keep repeating the same mistakes in dealing with our children.
Let’s not let our fears keep us from laying hold of all God has for us and our children.
—JMT