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Sovereignty & frailty

Many of you know that one of my greatest challenges has been figuring out why one child has had such difficulty with reading and writing. For the past four years or so, we have tried vision therapy, private tutoring, special consultants, not to mention a myriad of reading curriculums, remedial math and phonics, brain building activities, visual and auditory processing CD-Roms, and many other programs and books. Each time it seemed like we would see a little progress, then we would hit a wall. Many times we would end our lesson times with both of us in tears. One of the lowest points came when this child told me that he hated our house. “Why do you say that?” I inquired, wondering what he meant by that declaration. “Mom,” he said, “you have filled every room, every hallway, every corner of this house with books and I cannot read a single one.” It broke my heart.

Earlier this year I joined a couple of new Yahoo lists, albeit reluctantly, given my proclivity to spend way too much time with e-mail. (I did quit some other lists to make myself feel better.) These new lists were comprised of homeschool moms of children with reading difficulties such as dyslexia.

Several labels had been put on my child, but none of them seemed to fit what I knew about him. I started corresponding with several education specialists, an optometrist and even several therapists. After descibing the strengths and weaknesses of my child, several folks said it sounded as though he had vision issues. Maybe he did have unresolved issues, but we had done all the visual processing type of programs he and I could stand had had seen little progress.

Most of the folks I corresponded with said I should get my son evaluated by a COVD, which seemed to be the gold standard for vision therapists. After several recommendations, I made an appointment with the nearest one, in Cookeville, Tenn. The intial evaluation confirmed that my son had some fairly severe vision problems. The more in-depth neuro processing eval pinpointed my son’s problems. At the consultation, the doctor said he is 90% sure that my son could be completely remediated in 10 to 15 weeks of therapy, that he would be reading and writing at grade level by this summer. I just broke down and cried.

Here is where my faith in God’s sovereignty was either true or a bad joke. For four long years I had poured my time, our financial resources, and tears into this son. We had spent so much money, had gone through so much frustration. I had watched my son teased, observed how he did not want to participate in activities with children his age because he knew his limitations. I had to talk to adults my son interacted with to let them know what he could not do. My son could not fully explore his interests because he was so limited in his reading ability. Worst of all, I felt as if I had neglected my other children because this one needed so much time.

Now I find out that had I gone to this doctor first, I could have saved all this grief. Why would God have not directed me to find this solution earlier in our homeschool journey? I had done everything I knew to do whenever it was revealed to me. I had gone down so many wrong paths and educational dead ends — for what purpose? I had not deliberately kept my son from what he needed, yet that seemed to be in effect what had happened. I am finite and frail. I was continually asking the Lord for His help and He directed my steps into a apparently pointless maze of mistakes.

He promises to lead us.

Proverbs 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 4:11 I have taught you in the way of wisdom; I have led you in right paths.

Psalm 31:3 For you are my rock and my fortress; Therefore, for your name’s sake, Lead me and guide me.

Psalm 37:23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord and He delights in his way.

We can only follow as we are able, we walk by the light He gives us, according to His times.

These are true promises. I know by faith that God’s reasons for leading me as He did and not leading me another way were all for His glory and to accomplish His purposes. How does that work out practically? I can see some of what this painful journey accomplished in the life of our family although I may never see it all. I had to depend upon God in a way I did not have to with my other children. I had to learn patience, endurance, acceptance. As for my son, he is one of the most compassionate and kind-hearted of boys. He has an especial affinity for animals. He is affectionate, appreciative and thoughtful. My daughter added addtional insight to what God hath wrought. She suggested that her brother is able to develop his mechanical abilities because he listened to so many books on tape and worked with his hands while doing so. She noted that if he had read all those books in the conventional way, he would not have had the opportunity to grow those gifts.

Perhaps the best thing about our frustrating experience was that I got to spend so much time with this son reading all his lessons to him, sharing in his delight of the stories, learning alongside of him for much longer than my other children. So now we are in the midst of vision therapy, one hour a week in Cookeville and four hours a week of home vision therapy. We are already seeing some results. Before finding this therapist, I had all but made up my mind that this son would have to be accomodated all his life.

I would have to seek out different ways to test him, He would never love reading as I love reading. He would always be hamstrung in his profession by his difficulty with the printed word and his inability to put his thoughts on paper.

I still do not fully believe what the COVD says will happen. How can the solution be so quick, so effective? I will keep you posted. However, I will believe God when He says all works together for the good of those who love Him.

—Jeannette Tulis

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