Educating barbarians or boys
By Cindy Rollins
When listening to criticisms of homeschooling, it doesn’t take one long to hear that it is not good for moms to homeschool older boys. Homeschooling after 7th grade may be great for girls but mother-son relationships can get tricky and it is best for boys to have male role models, the argument goes. As a woman who will graduate her 5th son this year, I say hogwash. While it can be tricky, mothers can homeschool their older sons through high school, even without outside help. And while outside help is sometimes needful, the power of being in the home daily should not be underestimated.
Raising sons these days is no easy task. Femininity is in. Masculinity is out. Sometimes we don’t even recognize masculinity when we see it. It makes us uncomfortable.
If you find that you are fainthearted, steel yourself; it may be a bumpy ride. Literally. My minivan has gashes down each side and probably a whole host of angels who follow it around. This comes from having boys. I have eight of them. Or maybe you think you will have those nice boys who never go over the speed limit and who always want to know their father’s every opinion, those nice boys in the homeschool catalog. You probably won’t have a houseful of testosterone looking for a cavalry to lead.
My advice to you, Mama of boys: Don’t get in a tizzy about every little thing. Save up those tizzies. You are going to need them when your son punches his brother hard, jumps off a cliff into a pool for the fun of it, disagrees with the sanest commands and wrecks the car. Remember you are raising men. Real men like to crack their skulls against the wall a few times before taking sound advice. Just leave the room until the skull-cracking is over and wait patiently until the advice is asked for. Never answer a question that hasn’t been asked nor give advice where a need isn’t felt. It will be just grasping at the wind and your squeaky voice will become an inoculation against wisdom. I call this Socratic Son Rearing.
Some mothers naturally “get” this. They don’t nag their sons and they often say, “Boys will be boys.”
Boys will be boys, right? Maybe not.
By this we don’t mean that boys will be rude and nasty and ugly and we will all just smile because they are, after all, boys. Certainly boys will be boys and that means that they will not always think of taking a shower until they are 16, but if you have a 12-year-old who has never on his own thought of taking a shower, by all means suggest that he take one, perhaps in a voice that communicates your disgust but not forgetting the twinkling eye.
If your son is a regular nuisance getting into scraps every time he goes anywhere, then get control of him. Don’t make excuses for him. I suggest you make sure he is reading the “right sort of books” lest he turn out like our good friend Eustace Scrubb*. This is where the role of literature in the home becomes a real tool. Our sons should be reading. Readers are leaders. This means you will have to evaluate all the things vying for your son’s time and make time for him to read. Don’t substitute video games for reading.
Mothers need to watch out for the BIG error of being overcontrolling, but this doesn’t mean a mother isn’t TOUGH. A mother of boys must be tough. She shouldn’t have to wait for her husband to return home in the evening to gain control over her sons. Her arms should be strong for the task.
Are your boys growing in grace while they grow to manliness, or are they becoming unbearable prigs and bullies? You may want to ask your true friends how your boys are doing in this area.
Finally, one key to homeschooling sons is letting them have control whenever it is possible. One of the more obvious areas to develop this is with a son who has a new learner’s permit. Allowing a 15-year-old to chauffer you around on errands is one of the simplest ways to build a relationship. Just sit quietly in the passenger seat until he starts talking. Works like a charm. The only bug in the system is that sometimes you have to interrupt the flow of conversation to scream at the child that there is a red light or a dog. This type of yelling will not hurt the relationship. Your son will just ignore you. A good rule of thumb is never drive your son around; let him do the driving.
Never forget that your goal is to raise men. This can be disturbing to the feminine mind. Last weekend, three of my sons were shark fishing and another one was out hunting gators (legally). Two of my sons have taken up dangerous careers. I like to think that they are warrior poets. The No. 1 thing you can do for you son is offer him respect. It is surprising what a little respect will do for a young man and an older one, too.
*The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by CS Lewis
Cindy Rollins, who resides in Hixson with her husband and children, is a homeschooling mom of nine. Visit her blog at http://www.dominionfamily.blogspot.com/. E-mail Cindy at dominionfamily@gmail.com.