Making, breaking those binding ties
By Jeannette Tulis
Forgive me if I get a little maudlin in the next few months. My oldest is graduating in May, Lord willing, and it is just hitting me that she will be leaving.
It is a double blow for me as she is also my only daughter and my best friend. She and I often hide out from her three brothers. We have had lots of girl time, leaving the boys to their noisy, rambunctious, pugilistic selves.
My daughter just got back from an unexpectedly extended visit to New York. She had planned to stay just a day and a half but the snowstorm changed all that and she was “stuck” in Manhattan for nearly a week! And yes I am using that term very loosely as she had such a delightful time visiting art museums and sketching to her heart’s content.
She also had to do some shopping — such a hardship! As a serious aside, let me say how much the body of Christ meant to me when my daughter found out she could not get home. Through the kindness of friends, some of whom I have not met, I found several places for her to stay. She ended up staying part of the time with close friends of ours who live in New Jersey and part of the time with the secretary for the art academy at which she was interviewing. It is so encouraging to see that in a place as huge as New York, God’s care for his own is so evident.
Yesterday the word came that she has been accepted at the classical figure sculpting program at the atelier school in Manhattan to which she had applied. Lord willing, she will be headed to NYC this September.
What really strikes me at this time is that my daughter has always been so close to me, not just because she is a girl, but because we have so much in common. We like the same movies, books and people for the most part. Her taste in fashion is not identical to mine but it is not identical to anyone’s! We have always loved art together and watching her grow into her own as a young artist has been deeply satisfying to me. So here is a child about to fly the nest and I know that I will miss her more than I can say.
I also have a son with whom I am not as close, yet most likely he too will be leaving home sometime. I know I have a lot of relationship building to do. It will take much work on my part. I am not even sure what that work will look like. I am trusting that God will show me how to make heart ties with this son. My goal is to have such a good relationship with this young man that when he leaves home, I will feel just as bereft. Perhaps in a different way, but I am determined to figure out how I can develop a closeness with this son who has many admirable qualities. There is a paradox here that does not escape me. As homeschoolers, our ties with our children are apt to be close; we know our children well; we are with them all day, every day for the most part. Are we just setting ourselves up for heartbreak when they leave? Yes we are!
Still I want to encourage you to pursue making those ties with your children, especially those with whom you may have less of a natural affinity. Not that you love them any less but it just seems harder to have that relationship with them. He or she may be the quiet one, the sullen one, the one who is more independent. Perhaps they have interests that you have never had or know nothing about. In our technological age, it seems to me that it is even easier for a child to isolate himself from parents and family. Your children have social networking that is always available. One no longer needs to be tethered to a cord in the wall to talk to friends from your home as I did growing up. All of which means that we parents need to work at building those relationships that elude us because of competing “relationships” in the electronic netherworld.
I must admit that in the past years I have made the mistake of substituting talking at my child for building a relationship. Sure, I have made dates with him, taking him out to lunch at a favorite restaurant — just the two of us. But I always have had an agenda. Sometimes it is all too obvious when I have a small stack of relationship books or spiritual growth books tucked away in my purse complete with a list of questions I need to ask. No wonder he is not excited anymore when I offer to take him out to eat! “Just drop me off, Mom; I’d rather eat by myself.” I guess my son is tired of me trying to fix him instead of just accepting him and loving him. Even though my motives are good, I have gone about it the wrong way.
So now I have a few years left to really communicate in a way that he understands, to show truly that I love and care for him. Are there three quick steps? A failsafe program? Perhaps a book with all the answers? I wish there were, I know there are not.
I know that God in His providence gave me each of our children to keep me humble, to keep me looking to Him, to keep me on my knees. I have made mistakes aplenty. I could fill a book with all that I have done wrong. I cannot tell you how many days I have woken up to new resolve, new commitments to say only positive words — only to crash and burn in the first few hours of the day when I cannot help but offer that tidbit of helpful criticism or that testy reminder of what chores need to be done. A wise friend of mine said even if I say all the right things to “fix” this son, he would not hear me, given our present strained relationship.
Each day is a new one. I have yet to find the solution for my stubborn insistence on correction being the primary way I communicate my care. I just got back from another C.S. Lewis lecture on the Space Trilogy. This month we discussed the second book Perelandra. This is a story of temptation, of heart struggles, of persevering. The book moves along at a glacial pace most of the time. The temptations the character faces seem endless, one barrage seemingly melting into another. The reader gets the impression that the battle is being lost and that the evil one is winning by accomplishing the sheer exhaustion of the one fighting the temptation. In fact, the hero is winning just by staying in the battle, no matter how exhausting it is.
Let me encourage you all to stay in the battle for the hearts of your children. It is infinitely worth it and God is on our side. — JMT